2004-07-12 - 6:42 p.m.

SO THIS IS GOODBYE

As the Quatre-Day, July 12th, approaches, I realize that I have kept this thing going for about three to four years. I started out this journal with feelings of insecurity and doubts about who I was, about what I thought was important in life.

First, I couldn't find anyone who could accept me, and when I had, I had doubts about whether or not they really did. Then I got to the bottom of it and realized that I didn't accept myself. Then the battle to accept myself began. I thought that if I had a boifriend, peace would finally come and I would be whole. After a few failed attempts with Ben and Brandon, I finally got it right with Bryce. But little did I know that I had found myself before I met him. Bryce made me realize that I was looking for what was already there.

Then my friendships with Aaron, Matt, and Steve formed and it was a harmonious time. I learned that I didn't have to sacrifice myself to be around people. I could accept myself as a functional gay man in society. But nothing is ever perfect. There were a lot of disruptions along the way. Unfortunate and regrettable, but you never experience anything without learning from it.

This journal has cost me a lot, but it has also given me a lot. It has taught me that words can be the most powerful weapon of all when used in the heat of the moment. Sure we all knew that, but I thought that new words would blanket the hurt of the old ones... But they're still there... I'm sure if you go back far enough, you'll see the incident involving Randix's comment about Dorian's skirt, you'll see the comment I made about Bela, or the comment I made surreptitiously about Dorian's sudden departure from the movie project.

Sure, I was speaking my mind, but I was speaking it during the fury of emotions, I didn't wait until the dust settled and saw everything rationally.

But there are some things that can't be helped. As Bryce keeps saying, people are going to interpret things and act on them as they see them on the screen. What I write on the screen may not accurately portray what I was really saying. Misunderstandings abound. And that is what happened in April with Steve. I had written something that I intended towards me, but he chose to make it about himself and now we no longer speak. He's convinced that I'm a duplicitous asshole who likes to talk smack about everyone else who may not agree with my point of view. I think it's funny, because I didn't. But hey, I'm not out to try and convince anyone of anything.

This journal has helped me grow in ways that I can't begin to describe. I thank you all for being there with me. I am finally on my way to becoming the person I have aspired to be ever since I was five. I'm one step closer.

I look back at all of these years and thank God that I have surpassed all of the tribulations of the past and look forward at the tribulations to come with a lot more confidence. I know I wouldn't be here without the help for the people who care and love me.

I think that I am with full certainty say that I can finally close this journal fondly... for good.

TK

"Keep on calling me names, keep on, keep on, And I'll keep kicking the crap till it's gone. If you keep on killing, you can get me to settle and as soon as I settle I bet I'll be able to move on." Fiona Apple- "The Way Things Are"

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